Ah, my first juice face. 
First. 
See what I did there? 

This was my last juice of the fast. 
On Sunday night. 
My twelfth day. 

I went twelve days on a juice fast. 

At first, I felt like a failure for ending on day 12. I wanted to do 20 or 30 or 40. I had let myself down. But when I really thought about it…how many people can say that have even done a fast for one day, let alone 12 days? 

Not many. 

And really, who was this juice fast about? A bunch of other people? 
No way. 
This was about me. 

My journey to better health. My journey to a clearer mind. My journey to self healing. 

Did I achieve these things? 
Sort of. 

I learned a lot about my body. My body is a wonderful, powerful, and beautiful thing. It can adapt to all different environments and nutrition, but my body thrives most on fruits and vegetables. I honestly never appreciated my body more than the 12 days I was on this fast…I felt amazing. I had so much energy, no weight dragging me down. I felt on top of the world…I was doing something I never thought possible—living entirely on juice and water. 

But then something changed…

The juice started to taste gross to me. I was NOT juicing enough…and I definitely was not drinking enough water. I was no longer juicing for my health, but for other reasons…and this is why I decided to stop. 

On Monday morning, what would have been Day 13, I went for a run. When I came back home, I was still unsure of what I was going to do, so I picked up an apple, washed it, and took a bite of it. 

Nothing crazy happened. 
My body did not object. 
I did not spit it out. 

I chewed. 
I swallowed. 

Then I decided I was done. There is nothing like that first apple after no food for 12 days. I had never really appreciated what it was like to bite into something so juicy and so sweet, to really savour the flavour. 

Eating is a wonderful thing, ya’ll. 

A couple of hours and three grocery stores in search of a ripe avocado later, I had this deliciousness.

Avocado with Himalayan pink salt, pepper, lime, and chili powder. 

You know I had been waiting 12 days for this baby. All I could think about the whole time was avocado. It was just as delicious as it looks. 

A couple of hours later, I had another small apple with sunflower seed butter. I started to feel really full after that. I mean really, really full. I even contemplated going back to juice only. I was like, “Cool, I had my food fix, now let’s juice.” But I did not. I actually got a headache within the first ten minutes of eating that first apple. I became sluggish throughout the day as well. 

For dinner at work that night, I had this. 

Simple, but beautiful. This is mainly what I have been living on the past couple of days. Raw veggies, avocados, seasonings, olive oil, balsamic, and fruits with sunflower seed butter. 

Oh, and this. 

Perfect. 

Tonight I decided to give my digestive system a break for dinner and made a green smoothie. 

Almond milk, peaches, strawberries, lime, mint, spinach. 

For the next few days, I am trying to eat mostly raw. Only veggies, fruits, nuts and seeds. I miss grains and beans, but I want to wait a few days before I incorporate those into my diet. 

I am excited to start making more raw recipes. 
I am excited to chew. 

I just feel so full. 

Last night I was determined I would break the fast today. 
It just felt right. 
I even had a dream about it last night.

But I am scared to start eating food. 
And I am scared of being a failure. 

I know in my heart that, no matter when I break this fast, any type of fasting is an accomplishment. Even if I break it today, on Day 13, 12 days of juice detox is a huge accomplishment…and more than a lot of people have done. 

I want to continue fasting, but I just know my heart is not in it. I am fasting for the wrong reasons…for weight loss, for control, for familiarity. I am no longer fasting for health or for detox. 

That means I need to stop…right? 

I am honestly considering breaking my fast tomorrow. 
I am just SO sick of juice. 

I am sick of everything. 

I spend hours of my day obsessing over recipes on Pinterest and when I am not doing that, I am watching food shows on Netflix, and when I am not doing that, I am cleaning my juicer/making juice. 

I am just over it. 

I do not feel like my body is cleansing anymore. I feel like my body is at a war with me. I am constantly craving nuts and seeds and avocados. Clearly I need fat in my diet. 

The thought of a fruit juice makes me want to gag because it tastes like syrup and the thought of a vegetables juice makes me…actually, now that I think about it a green juice does sound good. 

I am at a loss. I want food. I want to cook. I want to eat, but I do not want to gain any weight back. 

But I really do not want any juice. 
At all. 

I keep feeling like I would rather not eat anything at all than drink juice. If I cannot keep myself motivated to juice, I am doing my body harm. Starving myself by only drinking 2 juices a day is not healthy and is definitely not helping in this detox. 

My stomach hurts. 

Honestly, all I can think about is a cold green smoothie in the morning loaded with nut butters and fruits…and a delicious raw salad with smashed avocado and lemon juice. 

What am I going to do?